THE BALLAD OF SHITMAN THE BARBARIAN

by **Dovydas the Nerevarine** Mon Aug 08, 2011 5:19 pm

as told by an old guy in a derelict tavern called McDonald's in the city of Vilnius

Shitman the Barbarian was a legend, sonny. You hear of ol' Conan nowadays, but he's just full of shit. No pun intended. Conan was nothing, sonny, until Shitman traveled back in time and trained him in Barbarianizing.

Shitman would use the sewers, he would, sonny, until he'd reach the nearest toilet. He'd wait, sometimes three days in a row, stinking badly, until someone would sit down. Then he'd reach out, and tear them apart with the sheer force of his grip and his nails.

In such a manner, Shitman murdered hundreds, until finally onto a public toilet an unfamiliar arse sat down. It was hairy and rather dark. Shitman recognized ethnicities from their arses, and he knew - this was an Arab. Naturally he tore him apart.

Later he found out that the Arab was a suspect terrorist, planning to explode a bomb in the city that very same day. Now, Shitman was a nationwide hero. All the drinks, food and women he could ask for were his.

But then someone asked, why was Shitman in that toilet? And with a quick but thorough investigation, he found out about the murders. Thus Shitman was no longer a hero. He was a criminal. He was to be arrested, but the policeman that was sent to take him into custody was never found again... besides bits of his arse laying on the ground.